Just like that, gone…

You came to me out of thin air, in fact, I wasn’t even expecting you to drop by. But, my life started to change the minute you said hello. You had me before I even knew it, then you said it, those three little words; my heart was yours. I prayed you wouldn’t hurt it.

You took my broken pieces that I had been carrying, put them all back together with whatever you thought would work. I was so blissfully happy, I felt like I was becoming whole again like nothing could ruin my day. All I wanted was to go to you, for everything, good, bad, random; you, despite what you might have thought, were a godsend. I thought I found someone to finally treat me right; after all this time, God sent someone right.

But then you came to me out of thin air, out of the blue. I was so in shock that my brain wouldn’t even comprehend what was happening. Tears pricked my eyes and I tried to hide it, you didn’t need to see what your words were doing to me. I know this hurt you just as much as me, but you broke me from the inside out, made my world come crashing down without so much as a warning, no preparation. I was out in the harshest of storms with only myself as protection; I felt defenseless, with just a few simple words.

Part of me is feeling like I should be kicking myself for not catching this, especially before you are going to leave for months and months and over 3,000 miles away. That kind of distance, I guess I underestimated it all; or maybe I shouldn’t have expected it, but that’s why it hit me so hard that I thought I was losing the ability to breathe, to function.

I don’t wish to hate you, I wish that this pain, the zombie-like trance I have felt for the past few days will just go away. Food makes me sick, and I know drinking would just make it worse when I come back too. Sleep, well I wish I could get a good night’s rest, but I just sit and wait for my body to feel tired. So instead, while I wait, I just sob. It makes my body tired enough to fall into a semi-sleep, but it doesn’t do much. I can’t make it go away, I feel empty like a black hole is growing and I can’t make it stop. I just want it to stop. I see you and I fight back the urge to sob, to tell you how much I hurt day after day, how much I still just want it all to be one bad, horrific dream.

I wanted someone to be my rock, to weather the storm with me, not someone to shatter to pebbles at my feet and let the storm destroy me in its wake. But you let me go, and I am not mad at why you did. What hurts is that I feel betrayed, you took my pieces, put them back together and then ripped the bandage you created away, shattered them into a million more tiny pieces and left me to pick each one of them up.

But I can’t pick them all up because you took some with you; without them, I am not as whole as I want to be. I prayed one day you wouldn’t take me with you when you left, that I would be able to get all of me back, but it just doesn’t work that way. Just please promise, that if you ever have the chance, take care of the parts that you took, and don’t forget how you felt before you decided to leave.

I Took a Tale

I took a tale once, fractured it a bit if you will, and came up with this. It’s a bit unorthodox, not for the faint of heart or eyes. But nonetheless, it’s an accurate depiction…

Once upon a time, the books used to say
There was a pious and good young thing, a girl per say.
The real tale, some might argue, was
This sappy love story about a tattered girl
Covered in embers, with sisters that were gorgeous
Off to a Palace Ball set by a lovely Prince
Whom she eventually marries after
Miraculously, he finds she fits the one lost glass slipper.
Well that story is just not true.

The real tale goes as such:
A long time ago, when Fancy Balls
Held by Princes were a thing
The Prince sought to find the perfect wife
There was a young girl prancing around
Her father’s house, that is before she was turned,
As a young child to a house maid by the evilest creature of all

Stuck in rags all tattered and frayed
She spent every night before the Ball
Weeping, giving a bad name to all strong
Females that ever did live, or so we think.
But with the stroke of some magical flying birdies,
Her tears would dry, her dress changed, her night fulfilled
She could go to the Ball, undetected, each night it was held.

But, when the clock had hit but a stroke of midnight.
Her dress would vanish, her golden hair
Would turn back to ember black, she’d have to hurry home.
But each night she made it back without the loss of a single thing, except one night,
She got distracted by the lovely Prince
She lost the precious glass slipper
Leaving it for none other than the Prince to find.
But that last night, sitting in her embers, she thought not of the Prince
And her small little lost slipper, but her
Jealousy that built in her like a scalding cauldron.

Grubby the next morning from a night of chores
Tears stained her faded cotton dress, so
She plotted her revenge, the fate for her sisters
Who had no idea of her ultimate plans
Would soon be carried out, without a soul to know

While the oblivious Prince sought to find the
One girl who fit the slipper, the little cinder wench
Felt no compulsion towards revealing her identity
Only her thoughts of revenge against her sisters
Plagued her ever so pious and good mind.
The prince no longer her drive to leave.
Taking her slipper, tattered rags and stained
Hands, she carried out her plot.
Soon the chains and rope would help her leave

When the Prince came, cinder wench told her sisters,
“cut your heals and chop off your toes”
The shoe might then fit, and she could be rid of them.
Maybe then their pain would appease her thoughts of jealousy,
But never did they make her stop her plots.

Cinderella never felt at ease,
Until she decided to reveal her identity to the Prince,
Knowing that making her sisters maim themselves
Would never make the Prince happy.
Fitting the slipper perfectly, her sisters, furious, only
Limped around with tattered feet.

Yet that was not enough for
The young pious and good girl.
She took her ropes and chains and nails,
Tied her sisters up, wrapped their bodies in chains,
And nailed them to boards and let the birds
Pick out their eyes, ‘til there was nothing
Left but torn, tattered rags, and shoes
Filled with blood, nailed to the boards

Finally feeling at ease, with
Her plan all complete, she could
Live out a life, much different
Than the one she was stuck within.
Her new lover knew nothing
But his love for her.

The pious and good young girl and the Prince,
They say
Lived happily as they could
Ever after in fact.
Never bothering to argue,
Kept the peace and the lives
They lived were wonderful.
Happily forever, with a grave secret
That only the dead and Cinderella could ever confess.
But we all know, Cinderella will take her secret
To the grave

 

Wondering

something has changed, gotten better and well, I am so thankful that most of my mind can’t wrap itself around what is actually happening. i have never felt this way, sure there were others before, but something about this, something about him makes me wonder.

i always wonder if the moments from yesterday, two days ago, months ago, years ago were all there for a reason. i mean of course they are, but now, everything has changed.

some of this i don’t understand, frankly, i find it scary as hell. but every part of me is going to jump head first and hope that my heart bears the fall if i were to fail.

but i don’t think i will. actually, i think i will be far from failing and that is what makes me the happiest.

i get to watch you pursue a dream, a goal of yours. and at first i hated myself, i wanted to be so selfish, and in my mind, oh i was.

despite my current situation, all i wanted was to cry, to be upset and everything in me hurt so badly, i knew we were and will be just perfect. i firmly believe that, but when i was gearing up for everything, i couldn’t help but feel hurt, all around me.

maybe that’s what my father was always talking about. how love can actually hurt, to the core, the person feeling it. the seriousness of it, it scared the hell out of me. but i knew, knew as soon as those words were said that i felt the same way, no hesitation.

i remember when i wanted you to say those words, hoped you would, and when you did, i was in a euphoric state. i couldn’t help but feel so happy, all the way around me, inside my heart and every inch from head to toe, mind, and soul.

after all this, i find myself feeling less selfish, believe me, it is hard to do that, such a long time before seeing each other. my mind, it plays tricks on me sometimes. i try to make it stop. it just happens.

the pride i feel towards it all, hearing about it, seeing you go through it. even though you are still here, and God i am so happy you still are. i know that when you leave, it will be hard. i have never done this before, ever. but i know that moment i see you again, life will be different for the both of us, each of us growing in different ways, but still together, and i know i will be more complete than ever.

 

Illusory Newness

Imagine, life as you know it suddenly changes, for the better, and you are left wondering why?

Sometimes I ask myself why certain people walk into my life, why God even put them in my life.

“I don’t deserve them”- at least that is what I used to think.

I stopped asking myself why someone would even give me the time of day. Why they would entertain my emotions? I figured they would eventually leave my emotions to flicker away like the sun does at dusk. But I realize, I was wrong all along.

I used to think that I deserved everything that came to me, the horrid and the good. But I don’t, in fact, sometimes pretentious bastards of people hurt you for no reason. It made me develop a tough skin and an intolerance for things I did not want.

But then there are the good parts. The parts that make me so utterly happy that I have to pinch myself to make sure it isn’t all an illusion, but actually reality. There is this flicker in my eyes, a glimmer of flame that I swear won’t be extinguished easily. I am so, complete. But not because of the normal reasons, but because there is this feeling of connection, of an equal.

I don’t even have to utter a name for you to think about him, do I?

I am feeling a high I don’t want to end, one I don’t want to come down from.

Sometimes it’s the goodbyes that get ya

Abandonment, it’s like this deeply rooted fear nestled within my soul.  All I fear in relationships,  with my life, is this abandonment.

For some, this is intentional, malicious and so cynical that not even satan himself would engrave his name upon it.

Others strictly unintended,  meant only to follow walks of life.

Why am I so afraid of being abandoned, not finding anything because I either push it away,  or it pushes itself far away from me, and quickly.

It’s almost as if,  well,  it’s me who causes this.

“I have too much caring for my own good” they say. That I am too much and should dial it back.

Maybe to avoid being abandoned by anyone, I just keep to myself and have no one.

Even though I have everyone, someone always leaves, and never looks back.

 

Deeply Rooted

There was pity laced within your words as I sat listening intently to a conversation I knew would only make my heart beat faster with each passing minute.

I wanted to let it go, never say hello or let the jokes come back, but something in me still sees it all. I see…everything.

But I am not one to be pitiable, not even for another minute. My words are my weapons, frankly, my heart is the reason my body has something to protect.

The beatings, the hurt, I always feel it, the existence needs to cease, while somehow I still need to find a way to make that deeply rooted feeling die.

 

My Monster

I was okay, until I realized that my monster was not longer locked behind her iron clad bars of a cell.

I was always afraid of her, terrified she would consume me from the inside out, that eventually.. I wouldn’t be able to contain the thoughts running rampant in my head, that she would find her way to take me down to the deepest pits of hell, where I would never return.

But then if I let her consume me, the person on the outside my change into a girl the inside would recognize. The body would no longer be just a host, the real girl would slink out from the shadows and present herself.

She is a demon though, snarling about and supplied a type of feeling that made my insides twist and turn in the most distorted fashion. Wanting desperately to shed the skin of a ghost, a wraith, but I couldn’t.

I’m craving it, needed it to be just one step closer to better and a few steps farther from breaking.

Each day seems like a daze to the rest, and all I can do is muster up enough gumption to get myself out of bed and change into something besides the over baggy sweats that hide my small curves, and the over sized sweatshirts that hide the small of my chest and the bones beneath my skin..all I can do is hide beneath my own skin.

My Monster, before I knew her my life was just fine, I was innocent, after I met her, I realized that I had experiences and life to live, but in a way that I was a ghost in a body of a girl I used to know.

Maybe now if she just consumes the ghost, I won’t have to worry anymore.